just a quote

     “Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

it is true

my brain never shuts down
these thoughts really are endless
my ideas race too fast for me to catch them all
I smile so loud but I do not always mean it
sometimes we must pretend not just to fool those around
but to trick ourselves as well
funny thing psychology is
I am starting to understand it pretty well
I laugh as I confuse people with my odd sense of humor
I like that myself is back
no more meds for me and best of all no more guys wasting time
time for my life, it's time for me to shine
happy--yes I am
lonely-- yes but not enough to blow my plans
miss independent is back
so don't believe I will put up with some shit
those days are gone hun
if you like me you best be figuring out
Girls like me don't just hang around and wait
there are too many guys
too many ladies
remember baby my door swings both ways
I have many more options then you might think
Right now I just choose to have some fun but eventually Imma need
someone to kick it with
someone to be my boo
someday Imma make them realize
hey it could have been just as easy for you to be by my side
you have to give me reasons
i have to see what makes you special
how is it exactly that you stand out from the rest?
trust me I'll figure you out, just save us both the time and be honest
you guys do not fool me for a minute
oh i do hope that one of you can change my outlook on this relationship subject
right now it just seems so pointless
I just want someone real
someone to match me
but i keep coming up with any reason in the world to shut everyone out
i need someone to change my mind
are you gonna be that someone?  doubt it
ha i know i'm so positive, right?
well this is me
feel free to leave at any time
i love myself too much to let anyone ruin my life.

find you somehow

day dreams fill my head
there's an emptines in my heart
It feels so akward
I want someone to love, but only if they'll love me back
and I am pushing each and every guy away
so afraid of what they'll do to me
I wont allow them in
they have to have something special
my time is much too precious to waste
no i will not settle
I am finding the perfect one even if I have to wait
For the first time I am happy with being lonely
I am enjoying other things
I am told my standards are awfully high, well fuck you and get out of my life :P
If you are not willing to better yourself
then your place is definitely not here with me
there is only one exception that I have found and ofcourse he doesn't want me
oh it s no surprise we've talked of this day how many times?
finally we are both free and now you have excuses?
I suppose I do too
what is wrong with me and you?
perhaps we are a little too alike
well that's another story, hmm I need to find someone else to think about
to dream about
to wonder what we could be
but really I am just happy being with me :)
because I know the longer I wait, the better my chances are
the longer I wait I can find what I have always wanted

cheesin

i is sleepy tiredsleepy
idk why i am even up.. too happy to sleep i guess
good ol 9 x 3
saw jackass 3d with thomas  and hung out with my love jerri
school is...idk interesting this time lol.  i still can not decide whether i hate that place or love it...  its weird
not quite sure i should have used love
just can not decide...  kinda wanna go back to just psychology just because i somewhat would like to do research as a psychologist after i am done with school but sounds like an awful lotof work lol and lord i feel like  college just has always been..  i can hardly remember high school.. i do remember there is not a whole to miss :P
i miss who i thought were my friends and fun times i suppose but its no big deal
i have had so many cool new friends

anyways this blog is pointless.... i am freakin tired.

good night loves

idk

so yesterday was weird..  everything seemed fine all day.  I had my manager interview and it obviousy went well.  I knew it would.  I can not wait to hurry and be a manager just so I will have a little extra cash to move out and benefits!
Hung out with rosey and I wanted to see dustin for a bit beause i picked him up something since it was his bday... it's nothing big just ear plugs lol. 
well long story short we talked in text messages and i think he took my text wrong.. im kinda annoyed because i want to clear things up on what i really meant..  idk man..  im starting to think i am way more happier alone.  i just dont care.  i want a b/f but then i do not.  and i wasnt trying to date him, but hang out and if it happened then it did but i feel like he thinks i like him more then i actually do. but i have a tendency to seem that way.

but i got offended a little that he doesn't seem to want anything serious though his actions speak otherwise.. but then i had to tell myself off lol

i just did the same damn thing to a nice guy like the beginning of sept.  and it fucked with him and i couldn't figure out why he was soo upset with me.. now i know. because i have been hanging out with someone who is my twin with relationships.. i dunno if its a good thing or a bad thing...

but anyways i have a lot of issues that need fixed before i go dating.. im serious its ridiculous because even with this guy i would be super happy and the next minute im thinking wtf i dont even wanna b/f.  i am just confused with myself.

i have no iea what i want anymore!


i met gary, jerri's uncle.  i wish i could have talked to him more, he's very interesting and smart.. too bad we have such an age difference.. if i could only meet someone like him....

oh well..

i really would like to find a guy who is going to college or has gone and maybe interested in the same things.  i want someone open minded for sure.  I can not stand close minded people, but there are more of them then open. 

mamaw is slowly getting better but still acts a bit odd.. idk  whats going on.
my family is driving me nuts with it tho.

:)

so things have been nicer:

mamaw's blood pressure is starting to come down.  :)  imagine that now that she is taking her other medication she was missing.  I take her tomorrow for an EKG test and heart scan.  The doctors were real worried when I took her to her appointment Tuesday b/c her blood pressure being up so much.. she is starting to act better but she is real worried.  she finally broke down and talked to me about how she is scared.  so i hope they can ease her mind some.

so i liked yesterday a lot.  :)  got to hang out with someone really awesome.
i don't wanna dare get excited too much about it though. 
I have always liked him...  we'll see what happens

the only thing sucking right now is that I'm freezing in this house and i can never stay asleep b/c if people are not noisy then the fucking birds are whistling.
.....  i have got to get a place soon.  I just feel like i have no privacy and i just do not feel comfortable much like i use to.  nothing has changed, except for me.  because i am use to not being here until recently.  and this time imma kick people's ass out instead of me being thrown out unless my buddy decided to get a room mate.  but not relying on boys thats fo sho. 

ah, maybe i will try sleeping now that everyone has decided to calm down here..

o my fucking gosh!

okay i am furious right now...

my whole family has had me constantly on edge tinking mamaw is super sick and i really have been upset thinking she doesnt have much longer... and maybe she doesnt but they freak out saying how shes gotta go to the dr and she needs to do this and this...

why the fuck did they hand me a perscription paper that was never filled and asked me to look up what it was... ok i did
its a blood pressure pill!!!  she hasn't even taken it!  her blood pressure has been super fucking high and they keep saying her new pill isnt working
mother fuckers it cant work unless u fill it for her to take it
how fucking stupid
omg i just wanna tell them all off.  no wonder she has not felt good.... HELLO!!!!!!!

and waited ovr a week to even look at the freakin perscription...from what i was told shes been taking all her meds...sure wait til the night before her check up to worry about it....

this is her life okay... its not just something to help a little, its her life on the line. i am gonna deal with her meds and making sure they are filled and try as much as possible to take her to her appointments...  i cant trust them to do something that important so i cant trust them to have her take it... im frustrated.. wish i did not have to work so much so i coul care for her... its ridiculous...

i am sooooo soo mad

fuck today i hate it

i fucking hate today... work sucked and then you find one more boy to be another disappointment... oh well it was my fault i should have gotten him a long time ago when I had the freakin chance..  fuck love i hate it!  and right now i just feel so alone with all that is going on in my life.. tho i have friends its just not enough right now.

also i really dont wanna be a manager but just want the money... was does life suck so f'ing bad


this song reminds me of mamaw and what she is going thru! :(

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down

Man there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doin'
Like I don't know now

By the light of the moon, she rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night can make you blind
I can just imagine

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be

And she says ooh I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cause I can't help her now

She's down in it
She tried her best but now she can't win
It's hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down, way down

She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right

By the light of the moon, she rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
But don't let her see

And she says ooh, I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cause I can't help her now

She's down in it
She tried her best but now she can't win
It's hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
Then she'll be alright, she'll be alright
Just not tonight

And she says ooh, I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cause I can't help her now

She's down in it
She tried her best but now she can't win
It's hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling

Ooh, I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
But her diamonds bring me down
Cause I can't help her now

She's down in it
She tried her best but now she can't win
It's hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

I can't take no more
Diamonds on the floor
No more, no more, no more
Diamonds falling down

I can't take no more
Diamonds on the floor
No more, no more, no more
Diamonds falling down

I can't take no more
Diamonds on the floor
(No more, no more)
Her diamonds falling, all her diamonds
Diamonds falling down

I can't take these diamonds falling down

....

Can not wait til Thursday to get mamaw's blood test results.  Will be glad when tomorrow is over, work early then going to a very pointless interview for management when I know I have it... why do it, wouldn't be bad but I have a far drive to go to it.. it seems dumb.
hope i see someone soon... who knows

if you're going, I wish so badly I could come with you

My heart is breaking into
Every time I look at you
You're looking so far away
I wish you could take me with you
I wish I could see this through your eyes
It's hard to understand when you avoid my questions
Your reassurance is not at all enough
I speak to you and it's as though you can not hear me
You're here but you are gone
It's hard to lose my best friend right before my eyes
I talk to you about everything
I laughed with you, cried with you, yelled with you
We did everything together and now it feels so empty
I just want to see your smile and hear you laugh again
You always seem so blank or lost
I feel as though you're drowning in your thoughts and you wont take ahold of my hand
I just wish you would talk to me
explain anything at all so I could try to make sense of it
I don't feel like you are too far gone to do that,
I think you just don't want me to know
I love you too much,
I just don't know how to let you go


I am having a very hard time adjusting to what ever is going on.  My mamaw has not been acting right for the past few months.  I just don't know how to handle all of it.  I try so hard to get her to engage in some conversation or anything but she just wont or can't.. I don't know which.   Some days she is fine and others she is not who she use to be.  But I suppose if it is what we suspect then this is normal in this circumstance.  I go to the doctor with he Thursday for her blood test results.  I am hoping that they can help get her back to herself as much as they possibly can... Today was hard for me.  It makes it more hard when my family are constantly bringing it up an thinking of everything in the world that it could be, but I know they are just upset like me and I try to tell myself this but I hate being on edge all the time and they start getting me paranoid..  I don't know what it is, or what is going on.  I just want my mamaw back

yesterday= :)

So I finished up my least favorite class yesterday.  I think our presentation went well.  I still felt like we were boring though.. next time I wanna pick the topic and do something that is more fun.  It's hard to present something when you are even bored with it.
After school I went riding with Thomas.  We rode all the way to Patsy's which was a very long drive lol.  Well it was really nice just being outside in the woods and just riding, I have not done that forever!  We got there and they didn't have their 4wheeler to go with us but it ended up calling for rain and it was freezing out already..  well we ended up all getting into some 9 x 3.  I had a lot of fun just hanging out and talking.  I miss Patsy a lot so it was great to see her. Well it eventually started sprinkling a bit so we ended up heading back.  I just knew it'd down pour on us since it was so flippin' cold and it was dark lol.  It just sprinkled a little was all.  When we got back I bout died because I remembered I hadn't put my camera back in my purse after I showed it to Patsy, I had put it in my back pocket...yeah it came out along the way... soo you know me and my camera..I was sad.  I tried really hard to pretend though and just say fuck it.  Well Thomas is a real nice guy so he took me all the way back in is car..which even in a car was a long drive lol.  The trail was big enough for his car by the way for those of you wondering :P
He found it, it was right out by Patsy's house in the road.  It cracked my screen, but it still works fine!  So I am content with that however, I have a warranty so I am gonna see if that would be covered just because I mid as well.
I didn't even get to tell you guys he took me out Thursday to dinner and a movie.  he's a pretty swell guy!  I loved the movie.  It was Easy A and I really liked it. 
Well and as usual my family is like omg are you guys dating blah blah...
Why does everyone think you have to just date the first mofo that is nice to you?  I mean don't get me wrong at all he is a great guy.. it's just ya know..I kinda wanna take my time..kinda wanna do it right this time...  I have went out with guys and hung out quite a bit lately but Thomas is probably one of the nicest.. I am just not ready for commitment and besides I'd really like to be friends for a while and make sure of things..  I really need to be single and have fun.  Just be me for awhile.  I really don't need a guy.
I always thought I did but I am finally realizing that I am happy just with myself especially with all my buddies that I had before and now I have lots more then I did.. it makes me smile a lot :)
I am just really content even though my situation seemed awful when I first landed into it.  but slowly I am making life worth while and getting myself back!  For the first time in forever I know myself again.  I like it!
Once I get my car either very updated or a new one then I am looking into apartments because I am even confident that I will be fine on my own.  I need to be on my own in my own place.  I can't wait!  I know the bills will suck but I don't want to depend on people.  and like I said before I sure the hell do not want to settle.

Halloween ideas so far..

so I need to figure out what to be for Halloween..here's some I like:
 

Man I am really digging the fire fighters, the cupid, and devil.. ..imma look around this area first before I order one! 
My biggest trouble is I hate ones that are too revealing.. I am getting leggings if I get the short dress ones.  I just really can't do it lol.. it bothers me to show too much.  I am want to be sexy i know that but I need something appropriate for school .. i don't want to buy two costumes, basically I couldn't..  My main thing is for the parties tho so piss on it, i wont dress up for school if it is too bad.  They are having a contest at some even going on the day before Halloween.  I can't wait to dress up :)

a mix of emotions

So I just have to tell you about the special customer of the day, which was hard to decide on since there were so many.  This person wins though!

A lady pulls up to the speaker and asks " how many nuggets come in your 5-piece"?

Was she serious??? Yes, sadly she really had no clue.
It was pretty much my most favorite part of today! :)

School was somewhat fun.  I kinda liked the role plays.  I wanted to play the Skitzo tho!  I love discussing disorders, it makes me so happy!  I really should become a psychologist.

My family stresses me out sometimes.. if I have a real good day they will somehow tell me something that is very sad or bring up something ignorant...


sooo I have been having a great time with friends and I believe that is what keeps me sane.  Not to mention these guys make me feel like a pimp the way they act about me lol.. but even still I just .. I don't care!!! 
Hell I am gonna work in a hospital in about 3 years sooo it's like if I stay single until then, I could meet a doctor, nurse, anyone there!!  I could have it all LOL !!!  ....  it's a nice thought huh :P
Normally I can't be single but this time is different.  
I am glad for it though.  I don't want to be with mr. rght for right now.. I want to wait around and explore my options and find mr. close to perfect as he can possibly get :)  and who knows maybe it'll be mrs. right you know me I don't care LOL  !!


I am glad that I had a chat with a new found buddy.  It really helped clear my head of the bad.  I know that all this is the best thats happened to me. Thanks for reminding me tha I am awesome ;P