just a quote

     “Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

it is true

my brain never shuts down
these thoughts really are endless
my ideas race too fast for me to catch them all
I smile so loud but I do not always mean it
sometimes we must pretend not just to fool those around
but to trick ourselves as well
funny thing psychology is
I am starting to understand it pretty well
I laugh as I confuse people with my odd sense of humor
I like that myself is back
no more meds for me and best of all no more guys wasting time
time for my life, it's time for me to shine
happy--yes I am
lonely-- yes but not enough to blow my plans
miss independent is back
so don't believe I will put up with some shit
those days are gone hun
if you like me you best be figuring out
Girls like me don't just hang around and wait
there are too many guys
too many ladies
remember baby my door swings both ways
I have many more options then you might think
Right now I just choose to have some fun but eventually Imma need
someone to kick it with
someone to be my boo
someday Imma make them realize
hey it could have been just as easy for you to be by my side
you have to give me reasons
i have to see what makes you special
how is it exactly that you stand out from the rest?
trust me I'll figure you out, just save us both the time and be honest
you guys do not fool me for a minute
oh i do hope that one of you can change my outlook on this relationship subject
right now it just seems so pointless
I just want someone real
someone to match me
but i keep coming up with any reason in the world to shut everyone out
i need someone to change my mind
are you gonna be that someone?  doubt it
ha i know i'm so positive, right?
well this is me
feel free to leave at any time
i love myself too much to let anyone ruin my life.

find you somehow

day dreams fill my head
there's an emptines in my heart
It feels so akward
I want someone to love, but only if they'll love me back
and I am pushing each and every guy away
so afraid of what they'll do to me
I wont allow them in
they have to have something special
my time is much too precious to waste
no i will not settle
I am finding the perfect one even if I have to wait
For the first time I am happy with being lonely
I am enjoying other things
I am told my standards are awfully high, well fuck you and get out of my life :P
If you are not willing to better yourself
then your place is definitely not here with me
there is only one exception that I have found and ofcourse he doesn't want me
oh it s no surprise we've talked of this day how many times?
finally we are both free and now you have excuses?
I suppose I do too
what is wrong with me and you?
perhaps we are a little too alike
well that's another story, hmm I need to find someone else to think about
to dream about
to wonder what we could be
but really I am just happy being with me :)
because I know the longer I wait, the better my chances are
the longer I wait I can find what I have always wanted

cheesin

i is sleepy tiredsleepy
idk why i am even up.. too happy to sleep i guess
good ol 9 x 3
saw jackass 3d with thomas  and hung out with my love jerri
school is...idk interesting this time lol.  i still can not decide whether i hate that place or love it...  its weird
not quite sure i should have used love
just can not decide...  kinda wanna go back to just psychology just because i somewhat would like to do research as a psychologist after i am done with school but sounds like an awful lotof work lol and lord i feel like  college just has always been..  i can hardly remember high school.. i do remember there is not a whole to miss :P
i miss who i thought were my friends and fun times i suppose but its no big deal
i have had so many cool new friends

anyways this blog is pointless.... i am freakin tired.

good night loves

idk

so yesterday was weird..  everything seemed fine all day.  I had my manager interview and it obviousy went well.  I knew it would.  I can not wait to hurry and be a manager just so I will have a little extra cash to move out and benefits!
Hung out with rosey and I wanted to see dustin for a bit beause i picked him up something since it was his bday... it's nothing big just ear plugs lol. 
well long story short we talked in text messages and i think he took my text wrong.. im kinda annoyed because i want to clear things up on what i really meant..  idk man..  im starting to think i am way more happier alone.  i just dont care.  i want a b/f but then i do not.  and i wasnt trying to date him, but hang out and if it happened then it did but i feel like he thinks i like him more then i actually do. but i have a tendency to seem that way.

but i got offended a little that he doesn't seem to want anything serious though his actions speak otherwise.. but then i had to tell myself off lol

i just did the same damn thing to a nice guy like the beginning of sept.  and it fucked with him and i couldn't figure out why he was soo upset with me.. now i know. because i have been hanging out with someone who is my twin with relationships.. i dunno if its a good thing or a bad thing...

but anyways i have a lot of issues that need fixed before i go dating.. im serious its ridiculous because even with this guy i would be super happy and the next minute im thinking wtf i dont even wanna b/f.  i am just confused with myself.

i have no iea what i want anymore!


i met gary, jerri's uncle.  i wish i could have talked to him more, he's very interesting and smart.. too bad we have such an age difference.. if i could only meet someone like him....

oh well..

i really would like to find a guy who is going to college or has gone and maybe interested in the same things.  i want someone open minded for sure.  I can not stand close minded people, but there are more of them then open. 

mamaw is slowly getting better but still acts a bit odd.. idk  whats going on.
my family is driving me nuts with it tho.

:)

so things have been nicer:

mamaw's blood pressure is starting to come down.  :)  imagine that now that she is taking her other medication she was missing.  I take her tomorrow for an EKG test and heart scan.  The doctors were real worried when I took her to her appointment Tuesday b/c her blood pressure being up so much.. she is starting to act better but she is real worried.  she finally broke down and talked to me about how she is scared.  so i hope they can ease her mind some.

so i liked yesterday a lot.  :)  got to hang out with someone really awesome.
i don't wanna dare get excited too much about it though. 
I have always liked him...  we'll see what happens

the only thing sucking right now is that I'm freezing in this house and i can never stay asleep b/c if people are not noisy then the fucking birds are whistling.
.....  i have got to get a place soon.  I just feel like i have no privacy and i just do not feel comfortable much like i use to.  nothing has changed, except for me.  because i am use to not being here until recently.  and this time imma kick people's ass out instead of me being thrown out unless my buddy decided to get a room mate.  but not relying on boys thats fo sho. 

ah, maybe i will try sleeping now that everyone has decided to calm down here..

o my fucking gosh!

okay i am furious right now...

my whole family has had me constantly on edge tinking mamaw is super sick and i really have been upset thinking she doesnt have much longer... and maybe she doesnt but they freak out saying how shes gotta go to the dr and she needs to do this and this...

why the fuck did they hand me a perscription paper that was never filled and asked me to look up what it was... ok i did
its a blood pressure pill!!!  she hasn't even taken it!  her blood pressure has been super fucking high and they keep saying her new pill isnt working
mother fuckers it cant work unless u fill it for her to take it
how fucking stupid
omg i just wanna tell them all off.  no wonder she has not felt good.... HELLO!!!!!!!

and waited ovr a week to even look at the freakin perscription...from what i was told shes been taking all her meds...sure wait til the night before her check up to worry about it....

this is her life okay... its not just something to help a little, its her life on the line. i am gonna deal with her meds and making sure they are filled and try as much as possible to take her to her appointments...  i cant trust them to do something that important so i cant trust them to have her take it... im frustrated.. wish i did not have to work so much so i coul care for her... its ridiculous...

i am sooooo soo mad